Table of Contents

Contents Introduction Perfect Dress, Perfect Earrings, Perfect Me You in the Third Row ... Stick 'em Up! You'll Find the Fruit of the Spirit in Plastic Bags Hanging from the Luggage Cart If a Cow Laughed, Would Milk Come Out Her Nose? Fishin' Poles and Night Crawlers A Clear Conscience Is Usually the Sign of a Bad Memory I Never Would Have Lied, Lord, If It Hadn't Been Country Music Week One Person's Art Is Another Person's Junk You Give Me Big Tip, I Give You Fancy Nail Do Angels Really Wear Underwear? And Don't Go into Mr. McGregor's Garden The Summer of My Discontentment A New Take on an Old Story If You're Euphoric, Things Can't Be All That Bad Can a Hog Be Vaccinated for Chicken Pox? The Three Bears Go to Camelot Of Mice and (just the) Men-tion of Traps She Thought the Great Depression Was Her Marriage! When I Get One More Hole Punched in My Card, I'll Get a Freebie at House of Tattoos Pardon Me, Sir, but There's Icing on the Seat of Your Pants An Electric Blanket for a Street Person? When I Think About Heaven, I Think About All the Fancy Stuff! You Don't Have to Be a Theologian to Get It" Pecan Pie with Horseradish? It's a Southern Thing Two Shall Be As One; Then Again, Maybe Not! We Thought They Were Asleep Till They Said Amen Wayne! I'm Calling from Roswell. Will You Accept the Charges? Men Are from Mars; Women Are from Where Is That Again? It's a Bird, It's a Plane, It's a Funeral Home! I Don't Care for Your Clothes but My Cat Would Love Them! You're Never Fully Dressed Without a Smile... and Earrings! What's That About the Pope's Ring? Is It Just the Way I Am, or Is It Dunlap's Disease? My Husband Wouldn't Be Caught Dead with a Green Pepper! Pardon My Driving, I'm Reloading My Gun. No, Not Reloading My Gun Praying! That's It, I'm Praying! Who Said Rattlesnakes Don't Have Discernment? You Can't Put M&Ms in Alphabetical Order, Can You? This Happened Long Before Bath and Body Shops Replacement Parts and Other Techno-Wonders of the Modern Age My Computer Has Memory, and Sometimes I Think It's Holding a Grudge Thanks for Calling, but I'm No Longer Doing Mother-Daughter Banquets It's a New Species: Part Man, Part Barcolounger! Where I Come From, a Little Debbie Snack Cake Is a Vegetable You Have the Right to Remain Silent; Anything You Say Will Be Misquoted and Held Against You You Paid for Your Plane Ticket; Make Sure You Get Your Money's Worth! Is There a Greeting Card for a Bad Hair Day? That Two-Piece Red Outfit You're Wearing Is Lovely, but It Needs a Good Ironing With Friends Like That, Who Needs Enemies? A Sharp Tongue Kindles a Good Newspaper Column After You've Gone Through 6,000 Brillo Pads, You Automatically Qualify for a Pair of Stuart Weitzman Shoe I've Already Told You More Than I Know He Gave Some to Be Spam Eaters and Others to Be Baloney Eaters My Rod and My Reel, They Comfort Me I Could Lose Myself in Thought, but Then Again, It's Such Unfamiliar Territory As Noah Said to His Wife, Woodpeckers Could Actually Be a Bigger Threat Than the Storm Itself!" Wanted: Official Church Quipster; No Experience Needed Press Two to Try Out for the Easter Pageant Petite Paw Prints in the Perfect Pumpkin Pie To Play Eve in the Church Musical, It Will Be Necessary to Have Long Hair And After This Will Come My Six-Volume Bible Commentary

About the Author

Sue Buchanan is the coauthor of the best-selling I Love You This Much. She is also the author of I'm Alive and the Doctor's Dead, Girls Just Gotta Have Fun, Duh-Votions, and Mud Pie Annie, and coauthor of Friends Through Thick and Thin. Sue lives in Nashville, TN, with her husband Wayne.