My Bachelorette Application
A Blues for Fred
The Miracle Porker
Do You Guys Pay Your Fucking Bills or What?
You Don’t Have to Be Grateful for Sex
A Christmas Carol
Happy Birthday
A Case for Remaining Indoors
A Total Attack of the Heart
A Civil Union
Mavis
Fuck It, Bitch. Stay Fat.
Nashville Hot Chicken
I’m in Love and It’s Boring
A Bomb, Probably
The Real Housewife of Kalamazoo
Thirteen Questions to Ask Before Getting Married
Yo, I Need a Job.
Feelings Are a Mistake
We Are Never Meeting in Real Life.
Acknowledgments
Samantha Irby writes a blog called "bitches gotta eat."
A New York Times Critics Top Book of the Year
“The second book of essays from this frank and madly funny
blogger.... A sidesplitting polemicist for the most awful
situations.”—Janet Maslin, The New York Times, Summer Reading
Pick
“A memoir of the life of a sardonic, at times awkward, at times
depressed black woman with Crohn’s (an inflammatory-bowel disease)
and degenerative arthritis.... Her acerbic, raw honesty on the page
— often punctuated with all-caps comic parenthetical asides —
unflinchingly recounts experiences such as the humiliating
intrusion of explosive diarrhea on romantic and borderline-romantic
interludes.” —Kera Bolonik, New York Magazine
"Irby is one of our country’s most fierce and foulmouthed authors,
whose literary takes on sex, family, and the body are unique in
their comedic resonance and full gut-punch power. The best thing
about this book, and all of her writing, is that the reader is made
to feel like they are taking a master class from their best friend,
and you feel right at home with Irby’s stories and points of view
while also being completely in awe of her craft and
wit." —Amber Tamblyn, Vulture
“Irby...is so authentic, entertaining, and fearless, funny seems
too concise a word to describe stepping inside her thoughts for a
couple hundred pages. Her writing is both confident and
self-deprecating and will strike readers in that perfectly
relatable space between glorious confidence and average self-doubt.
Essays about how much she despises her cat and an ill-timed
gastronomical adventure are mind-blowingly hilarious, as are her
musings on the great outdoors, her hypothetical Bachelor
application, and Zumba. Other pieces, especially those involving
her mostly-absent alcoholic father and her mother’s battle with
multiple sclerosis are so vulnerable and fearless that they’ll stop
you in your tracks. Irby doesn’t shy away from anything, and her
brand of honesty is the kind that can inspire new writers and
attract legions of loyal readers dying to meet her in real life.”
—Molly Labell, BUST
“Essayist Samantha Irby is my very favorite sort of
writer: stunningly direct, wildly hilarious, breathtakingly honest
and, best of all, imminently relatable.”—Heidi Stevens, Chicago
Tribune
“From the blogger behind Bitches Gotta Eat comes a seriocomic essay
collection that will have you crying from laughter and then just
crying. A boisterous medley of awkward sex, pop culture obsession
and coming-of-age.”—Oprah.com
"A nearly perfect collection of essays: Irby is hilarious and
poignant and human, and she knows how to tell a damn good
story."—A.V. Club
“Turn off the TV, let the dishes pile up, pull on your most comfy
pair of sweats and settle into your reading chair. You’re going to
be there awhile.”—Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel
“I love Samantha Irby’s writing.... Read the whole thing.”—The
Billfold
“Besides having one of the season's best covers...Irby's new
collection of essays is an often riotously funny, unflinching, and
never not provocative look into her life. Irby tackles difficult
topics, like her estrangement from her father and how growing up in
poverty has lifelong repercussions, including making it impossible
to understand how to do things like ‘save for a rainy day.’....
Irby writes about the ways in which our society is so focused on
aspirational living, that it neglects the people who are just
trying to survive. But the book is never preachy, rather it is
skillful in its ability to reveal the essential realities of how so
many of us live and dream and hope and fail, in ways that are
inimitably our own.”—NYLON
"Samantha Irby is my favorite living writer. Actually, I’ll throw
in the dead ones too. Screw you, Herman Melville.” —Lindy West,
author of Shrill
“Reading Samantha Irby’s We Are Never Meeting In Real Life cracked
my heart all the way open. The essays in this outstanding
collection are full of her signature humor, wit, and charming
self-deprecation but there is so much more to her writing. For
every laugh, there is a bittersweet moment that could make you cry.
From black women and mental health to the legacies created by
poverty to dating while living in an all too human body, Irby lays
bare the beautiful, uncompromising truths of her life. I cannot
remember the last time I was so moved by a book. We Are Never
Meeting in Real Life is as close to perfect as an essay collection
can get.” —Roxane Gay, New York Times bestselling author of
Difficult Women and Bad Feminist
"This book didn't make me laugh out loud. It made me laugh
silently, wheezing and crying, until my sides ached." —Rainbow
Rowell, New York Times bestselling author of Eleanor & Park
“Sometimes Samantha Irby’s writing will make you want to hug her.
Sometimes it will make you want to be hugged by her. Sometimes it
will make you want to lock her in your closet so you might take
credit for this hysterical, honest and authentic book. The last one
might just be me.” –Jenny Lawson, “The Bloggess” and bestselling
author of Furiously Happy
“Get ready to do that thing where you go from laughing hysterically
to sobbing uncontrollably, because those two emotional states have
never been closer. Irby's writing--about sex, death, disability,
garlic scapes—is so relentlessly funny, the gravity and deeply
generous vulnerability of it can sneak up on you.”—Kate Harding,
author of Asking for It
“There is simply no one like Samantha Irby. Reading her is
emotional whiplash; you are crying laughing and then crying and
then so deeply moved that you don't know what you are. We Are Never
Meeting in Real Life is life as written by blood and viscera and
fluids and heart, a near to bursting bright red, beating throbbing
fighting heart. If the world is a dumpster fire, then this
book is the cache of fireworks that shoots out of the flames and
lights up the night. You're shocked and kind of worried for your
well-being, but you're also laughing too hard to do anything about
it.” —Lindsay Hunter, author of Ugly Girls
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